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Search Results for: MURG

Two New MURG Studies Released

Attached Earlobes: MURG Study Remains Controversial

The 2005 landmark study by the MURG research group continues to be a big draw of readers to this blog — and a continuing lightning rod for voices of outrage. Viz. the following recent comment from jfoster57:

That’s the most idiotic and preposterous thing I’ve ever heard; isn’t someone who researches the implications of ‘attached earlobes and criminal tendencies’ displaying some pretty bizarre behavior in the first place?

Methinks thou dost protest a bit much there, jfoster57!

AP Report on MURG Beer Study and MURG continue to rank among the most popular and authoritative sources of attached lobe information on the Internet

MURG Research Notes

Korrektiv’s Made Up Research Group has released preliminary results of two ongoing empirical qualitative studies that should be of interest to concerned citizens everywhere.

The first set of preliminary results arrive just in time for cold and flu season. In a report entitled “The Ironic Danger of Hand Washing in Public Rest Rooms,” MURG researchers provide detailed data on the presence of rinovirus and influenza spores on the faucet handles in public rest rooms at an alarmingly high rate. The water and soap dispensers in 98% of public restrooms also contain transmittable bacteria. And the warm air of the hand dryers in many public restrooms has been shown to be a veritable breeding ground for a resurgence of tuberculosis and, in rare instances, leprosy.

In the second study, MURG’s in-depth analysis of automobile accident statistics has revealed that the vast majority of serious accidents were precipitated by the driver putting on his or her seat belt while pulling out of the driveway. Seatbelts have also been implicated in the second most common cause of serious accidents, in which the driver is distracted by having to remove his seatbelt in order to retrieve a ringing cell phone from his pocket.

Attached Earlobes and Free Will

Paul Bloom discusses what it’s like to have attached earlobes and how the condition may impinge on free will:

I have a genetic condition. People like me are prone to violent fantasy and jealous rage; we are over 10 times more likely to commit murder and over 40 times more likely to commit sexual assault. Most prisoners suffer from my condition, and almost everyone on death row has it. Relative to other people, we have an abundance of testosterone, which is associated with dominance and aggression, and a deficit in oxytocin, associated with compassion. My sons share my condition, and so does my father. more

See also The MURG Attached Lobe Study

Something to Make Alphonse Snicker a Bit

Some scientists in the UK have have done a systematic review of the research. (Just imagine for a moment what said research must entail.) And they’ve concluded that fetuses feel no pain. So our consciences can be clear on that score. As long as they feel no pain, then everything’s OK.

But the verdict of science tends to be in the eye of the beholder. As noted in The Wall Street Journal, another strain of research suggests that 18-week fetuses respond with flinching or other physiological changes during surgery. Pro-life groups have also countered that Dr. Kanwaljeet Anand, a leading researcher in pediatrics and anesthesia, was not consulted by the report’s authors. Anand testified in Congress in 2005 that most fetuses at 20 weeks would perceive an abortion procedure as “painful, unpleasant, noxious stimulation.”

And why wasn’t MURG consulted?

My Bad

As usual I’ve been a bad blogger. Potential blog entries I watched float into view and then watched float downstream and over the falls:

1. My trip to DC for a conference: where I attended Pentecost Mass at St. Augustine’s, an amazing African American Catholic church–full gospel choir, and far-out dancing combined with all the usual smells and bells, not to mention a kick-ass homily in which it was stated that none of that stuff necessarily had anything to do with the movement of the Holy Spirit.

2. My DC conference experience, part 2: including locking my laptop and keys in the trunk of my rental car and spending five hours extricating them when I needed to be working on my presentation. In the process of getting into the trunk, I had managed to drop my glasses down into the guts of the car behind the back seat. I crawled into the trunk to grope around for the glasses and set the keys down inside the trunk again, eventually found the glasses somewhere near the rear axle, climbed out of the trunk, and shut it. Heart stopped. Keys. In the trunk. Again. But then I gave it a little yank and it opened, as if by a movement of the Holy Spirit. By then it was time to watch the Lost grand finale and then the post-Lost Jimmy Kimmel special. So I stayed up all night polishing up my presentation and had a long bleary day in which my presentation was delivered in a delirium of waking dreams and Lost key musings.

3. The assuagement of my latent MFA longings: wherein I get to set aside my librarian beanie with the plastic propeller on top and don the psychedelic top hat of fictive fabulousness to serve as a third reader for some creative writing MFA thesis defenses here at Scablands U (my employer). The highlight: a collection of stories by a young man named Brandon Getz. Funny as shit and great stuff, in the vein of Jonathan Lethem, with offbeat sci-fi elements. Keep an eye on this guy!

4. Jonathan Lethem: I’ve had Lethem on my radar for awhile, but fairly peripherally. Now I definitely want to read him. The sci-fi/pop culture stuff referenced by the above MFA student is intriguing. Not only that, Lethem is a huge Bob Dylan fan (after my own heart and the hearts of others hereabouts) and published a fantastic interview piece not long ago that is very worthwhile reading.

5. What put Lethem on my radar initially, in addition to the Dylan interview, was that another of my favorite living writers, and a guy I bump into on occasion at the coffee shop across from my daughter’s pre-school, namely Jess Walter, referenced Lethem somewhere on his website, as I recall, and said something laudatory, if memory serves.

6. Speaking of Jess Walter: his latest book, The Financial Lives of the Poets, kicks ass. Jess describes writing it as having been like sticking your head out the car window as it’s crashing. A real-time look at our national financial plunge, and one out-of-work newspaper writer’s sleep-deprived response to that plunge. A very funny, very sad, very lovely piece of work.

7. Korrektiv Press (the gritty stepsister of Webb’s Ebey Island Press) is poised to publish a book of poems by myself, many of which have appeared here in the blog. I’m planning to put my real name on the book (Rufus McCain being the name of a convict and resident of Alcatraz that was murdered by fellow inmate Henri Young back in the early 20th Century). I’ve thought about using Rufus’s name for the book, but Rufus isn’t sure he wants anything to do with it. I forced my fellow Korrektivites to read the manuscript, got some American-Idol like feedback (JOB filling in nicely for Simon: “hackneyed”–ouch) and now I’m rehashing it a bit and hope to have it ready for the printer by the end of the month.

8. Tenure: I (well not the Rufus I, but the other guy) got it, and it was a big frickin’ relief. Now that part of my brain that was a big sagging slobbery balloon of worry is starting to fill up with visions of sabbaticals and sugar plumbs and what not.

9. Maxed out credit cards. Consumer credit counseling options (bumping some of those sugar plumbs out of my daydreams). Summer job possibilities? (I have July and August off.) I thought bartending might be a good idea–after the kids are asleep and Mrs. McCain is working on her photo edits–but Mrs. McCain shook her head derisively and laughed at me. She doesn’t think I could hack it. (I get no respect.) A young man’s game and I’m too old to learn those bartending tricks, she thinks. Other ideas? Freelance writing? Freelance research? Lemonade stand? Begging at the corner of Division and Third with a cardboard sign: “Summer off without pay, credit cards maxed out, kids hungry. Please help. Woe is me.”

10. Not to mention: all those Year of the Priest movies I haven’t watched, my take on Lost (contra Lickona’s?), the Korrektiv Summer Reading Klub, the latest MURG research and attached earlobe info, my story about Binx Bolling’s trip to Spokane to visit Stanley Kunchen during the World’s Fair in 1974, Bloomsday yesterday (“Here comes everybody”) and my fleeting notion of how appropriate (and yet still too daunting amid all these other loose-ended worries and desires) it would be to catch that wave and embark on a summer reading of Ulysses, etc, etc etc.

How You Found Korrektiv

It really is astonishing how many people out there are concerned about attached earlobes. Maybe it’s the fact that MURG has data that conclusively demonstrates a non-spurious relationship between said condition and criminal tendencies. Obviously, people are understandably concerned about being profiled, stigmatized and scapegoated, however justifiable those actions might be.

74.72.177 of Jackson Heights, New York is none to happy about what must be a pretty bad case, it would seem, having conducted a Google search for “attached earlobes surgery”. Luckily for “4 Sevens” and the entire community of Jackson Heights, this search led directly to our humble website. For medical needs, you should know that Korrektiv is there for you. Thank you for visiting, M. 74.72.177, and we can only recommend the same procedure we used on Henri at the last summit: two shots of Jameson’s and a steak knife. Problem solved!

MURG research panel questions validity of recent study.

Attached Earlobes and Criminal Tendencies

A new double-blind study released today by Korrektiv’s Made Up Research Group (MURG) reveals a significant correlation between attached earlobes and behavioral pathologies. It is a commonplace of human anatomy and genetics that attached earlobes are a recessive genetic trait and that free earlobes are a dominant trait. The recently completed MURG study shows that those with recessive attached earlobes are twice as likely than their free-lobed counterparts to commit acts of anti-social, sociopathic, or criminal behavior. Based on its findings, MURG has proposed that the attached lobe (AL) population be registered in a national database and monitored by the Department of Homeland Security.