What if…

… you grew up in an Evelyn Waugh story?


  1. I might have actually read some Dickens by now.

  2. I might have insufficient time to pursue my national game.

  3. I would be dead by the second chapter.


  4. I might still be carrying my teddy.

  5. My cubicle would be situated under the belly of a plaster megalosaurus.

  6. I would be brokenheartedly wondering why no one came to my writer’s conference, er, birthday party.

    • Angelico Nguyen, Esq., OP says

      Don’t take it personally. They just decided to go celebrate Our Lady of Perpetual Help instead.

  7. I would also be terrified of ever attempting anything past my initial, somewhat promising first attempts at art, for fear of being called out as a poser by an urbane homosexual. No wait, that’s real life.

  8. I would find all the buildings in Greece disgusting, but admire the goats.

  9. I would be reminiscing about eating potted shrimps with a paper knife.

  10. With any luck, I would also be named John Boot.

  11. I would recall the unspeakable things which the bimetallists did to the prime minister’s wife.

  12. I should write a novel -only to have the manuscript burned by customs as I make my way to a reunion with old frenemies in the trenches of World War III.

  13. Or I would have been in time to tell Thomas Kinkade how charming his cottage paintings were.

  14. Quin Finnegan says

    I’d be paralysed with remorse and regret within two years of graduation.

    • Angelico Nguyen, Esq., OP says

      ‘Graduation’ is my new favourite euphemism for ‘being sent down for indecent behaviour’.

  15. Jonathan Potter says

    I’d be revisiting my bride’s head.

  16. The Duffer says

    I’d be named Beryl.

  17. I’d be named Cruttwell.

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