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Yelping with Cormac

On Ikea:

Doctors told us my daughter in law is depressed on account of the baby but I think it’s cause of the chairs. And ever other damn thing in that store. So many things to decide on and not a one of them matters. Hell, it was enough to give me the depression and I was only in that store for three godforsaken hours.

Cheesecake Factory:

A Tiramisu teetered like the oldest prostitute in a mining town, reeking of saccharine liqueur. The faint scent of virtue lost amid the hellish musk of ten thousand outrages.

From EDW Lynch, the “world’s first Corporate Manglomerate”:

Part­ner Man­age­ment is a spe­cial divi­sion of the Social Resources Depart­ment con­cerned solely with man­ag­ing roman­tic social equity: girl­friends, muses, and affairs. The highly spe­cial­ized Part­ner Man­age­ment staff care­fully eval­u­ate Poten­tial Roman­tic Oppor­tu­ni­ties using sophis­ti­cated algo­rithms.  Key roman­tic met­rics include rel­a­tive adorable­ness, humor index, and half-asianness. If the stan­dard­ized roman­tic rubric indi­cates favor­able con­di­tions, the Poten­tial Roman­tic Oppor­tu­nity is expe­dited to active part­ner man­age­ment.

Comments

  1. Matthew Lickona says:

    Oh, my stars and garters. This reminds me of the days when the Internet was new and I could still feel the old leap of joyful discovery when presented with some new website.

  2. Cubeland Mystic says:
  3. Angelico Nguyen, Esq., OPL says:

    ‘Yelping with Cormac’ > ‘Cold Lampin’ with Flavor’

    Real talk.

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