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James Gandolfini Summoned To Gulf of Mexico For Consultation


(New Orleans, LA) Concerned about the gushing geyser of oil more than a mile deep in the Gulf of Mexico, executives from British Petroleum have asked James Gandolfini to act as a special consultant for the disaster.

As BP continued its effort to gain control of its untamed deep-sea well, President Obama announced more restrictions on offshore oil drilling Thursday and insisted his administration is firmly in charge of the response to the spill, now believed to be the largest in U.S. history.

More than 24 hours after BP began a crucial “top kill” effort to plug the deep-sea well with heavy drilling mud, company executives said the procedure was going as planned but they were not ready to declare success.

“It’s time we started thinking outside the box,” said Doug Suttles, the company’s chief operating officer. “We’re just not sure the cement will be enough – volume, weight, or … well, what we may as well call ‘sticking power’.

“We have to start thinking about heavier material. Towards that end, we have contacted some of the country’s best talent, and with help from outside the usual … uh, channels, we’re confident we can bring this catastrophe to an end.

The precise nature of Gandolfini’s qualifications remains unknown. Asked whether American Idol winner Lee DeWyze, or perhaps finalist Didi Benami, might be a hotter ticket than the Gandolfini, Suttles simply replied, “Are you kidding?”

“All ten of those finalists taken together don’t have the, uh … talent of Gandolfini. They’re lightweights. Maybe they sang in front of the mirror for a couple of months before making it on the show … who knows if they have staying power. Gandolfini’s been around for years – The Sopranos was the greatest show on televsion, ever, years running. Maybe you saw him in The Last Castle. Meaty stuff. Sticktoitiveness. Gandolfini is a real heavyweight; we know he can bring it.”

Comments

  1. Rufus McCain says:

    If Gandolfini fails, they could get Matthew Fox to detonate an H-bomb over the well, which will set up a parallel reality where the accident never happened and we all end up in a heaven that is a lot like pre-Katrina New Orleans.

  2. Jonathan Webb says:

    It's in the manicotti.

  3. Jonathan Webb says:

    Thanks Quin.

  4. Mark Thomas says:

    Onion-worthy.

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