Phase Two

See, y’all thought this was a joke:

“‘Starbucks has completed the coffee-distribution and location establishment phase of its operation, and is now ready to move into Phase Two,’ read a statement from Cynthia Vahlkamp, Starbucks’ chief marketing officer. ‘We have enjoyed furnishing you with coffee-related beverages and are excited about the important role you play in our future plans. Please pardon the inconvenience while we fortify the second wave of our corporate strategy.’

Though the coffee chain’s specific plans are not known, existing Starbucks franchises across the nation have been locked down with titanium shutters across all windows. In each coffee shop’s door hangs the familiar Starbucks logo, slightly altered to present the familiar mermaid figure as a cyclopean mermaid whose all-seeing eye forms the apex of a world-spanning pyramid.”

But y’all were wrong:

“Yet the chain is increasingly positioning itself as a purveyor of premium-blend culture. ‘We’re very excited, because despite how much we’ve grown, these are the early stages for development,’ said Howard Schultz, the chairman of Starbucks. ‘At our core, we’re a coffee company, but the opportunity we have to extend the brand is beyond coffee; it’s entertainment.’

“Sounding a bit caffeinated himself, Mr. Schultz explained, ‘With the assets Starbucks has in terms of number of stores, and the trust we have with the brand, and the profile of our customers, we’re in a unique position to partner with creators of unique content to create an entertainment platform and an audience that’s unparalleled.'”


  1. I’m not sure they’re going to dominate the globe by financing films like “Akeelah and the Bee.”

    Now, maybe “Akeelah and the Bee” + Starbucks Cofee Liquor…

  2. Cubeland Mystic says

    I will be watching with keen interest …

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