Korrektiv’s Made Up Research Group has released preliminary results of two ongoing empirical qualitative studies that should be of interest to concerned citizens everywhere.
The first set of preliminary results arrive just in time for cold and flu season. In a report entitled “The Ironic Danger of Hand Washing in Public Rest Rooms,” MURG researchers provide detailed data on the presence of rinovirus and influenza spores on the faucet handles in public rest rooms at an alarmingly high rate. The water and soap dispensers in 98% of public restrooms also contain transmittable bacteria. And the warm air of the hand dryers in many public restrooms has been shown to be a veritable breeding ground for a resurgence of tuberculosis and, in rare instances, leprosy.
In the second study, MURG’s in-depth analysis of automobile accident statistics has revealed that the vast majority of serious accidents were precipitated by the driver putting on his or her seat belt while pulling out of the driveway. Seatbelts have also been implicated in the second most common cause of serious accidents, in which the driver is distracted by having to remove his seatbelt in order to retrieve a ringing cell phone from his pocket.
DON’T TOUCH THAT JACK, THAT’S A CESS POOL OF BACTERIA! ONLY TOUCH THE FAWCETT AND THE RUNNING WATER.NO!DON’T SWISH THE WATER AROUND!FOR CHRISSAKE DON’T TOUCH THE GARBAGE CAN! NO! STOP! WAIT!JESUS!