There once was a Pope Benedictus
Who could make me grin like I had rictus:
His keen, crystalline prothes
And symbolical clothes
Proclaimed, ‘Christ, for His friendship, has picktus!’
Our nice new Holy Father is Francis,
And I’m happy to give him his chancis.
(I’ll admit, though: I frette
At his lack of mosette.…
Quæsumus, no liturgical dancis!)
I have a nine-year-old daughter who, as is the practice in our diocese, went through confirmation and first communion (in tandem) about a year ago. Since then, I’ve been wondering if waiting until later for confirmation (as is the norm in most dioceses, I think) might not have been the better course. She was all for getting confirmed, seemed to really like the grown-up credentials that were thereby assigned to her, etc., which I thought was all well and good. But since then things have degraded. Getting this girl to mass every week has increasingly become an ordeal. She hates it, is bored by it, whines and moans and protests about it every week, and then sits through it as disengaged as she can be, occasionally asking when it will be over. This is troubling to say the least.
With that in mind, tell me if the following deception on my part is morally questionable and/or in any other way ill-advised. Or is it a justifiable form of holy trickery akin to what Walker Percy said about the Catholic writer having to use every trick at her disposal to lure the reader into receiving the news from across the sea?
Last night this girl left her shoes out for the leprechaun who always visits the night before St. Patrick’s Day to leave goodies in. She included a little gift for the leprechaun (a pencil with shamrocks on it) and a note asking him to leave her a real photo of himself as proof of his existence. So I left some chocolate gold coins in the shoes, took the pencil, and then scribbled a thank you on her note (in my best leprechaunish hand) saying that she should check her email (yes, she has her own email account) for a photo. Then I got online and created an email account for the leprechaun (leprechaun_37@), found a suitable photo online, and sent it to her as an attachment from “yours truly.”
She loved it. To tell the truth, I’m not sure to what degree she really buys it. I think she is willing to suspend disbelief and join in the fun of it to some extent. But at any rate, she is playing along and very keen on having a leprechaun she can exchange emails with.
Fast forward to me telling her it’s time to get ready for mass. Her reply: “We have to go to mass on St. Patrick’s day?!” All the more so! says I. “I’m going to ask the leprechaun,” says she. So she sends the leprechaun an email: “do i have to go to mass?”
And here is the leprechaun’s repy:
Ah, H_______ my dear dear girl, what do you think? Not only do you have your marvelous Sunday obligation today, when all the faithful (among whom I assume you are counted!) are obliged to partake of the presence of Our Lord in the bread and wine — not only that (as if that weren’t more than enough miracle to draw you forth to the church my dear girl) but today is the feast day of the great great saint, Patrick of Ireland, who certainly deserves to be honored in a special way with extra prayers and oblations and songs of praise … and of course the wearing of your finest green adornments, my dear girl. Now off to holy Mass you go and no more hemming and hawing!
Your friend,
Leprechaun #37P.S. Here is a wonderful prayer of St. Patrick I hope you will share with your family on this splendid feast day. Will you invite your mother and father and sister to pray this prayer with you today? This would surely make St. Patrick smile down on you from heaven and the sun shine a bit brighter this day.
I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the Threeness,
Through confession of the Oneness
of the Creator of creation.
I arise today
Through the strength of Christ’s birth with His baptism,
Through the strength of His crucifixion with His burial,
Through the strength of His resurrection with His ascension,
Through the strength of His descent for the judgment of doom.
I arise today
Through the strength of the love of cherubim,
In the obedience of angels,
In the service of archangels,
In the hope of resurrection to meet with reward,
In the prayers of patriarchs,
In the predictions of prophets,
In the preaching of apostles,
In the faith of confessors,
In the innocence of holy virgins,
In the deeds of righteous men.
I arise today, through
The strength of heaven,
The light of the sun,
The radiance of the moon,
The splendor of fire,
The speed of lightning,
The swiftness of wind,
The depth of the sea,
The stability of the earth,
The firmness of rock.
I arise today, through
God’s strength to pilot me,
God’s might to uphold me,
God’s wisdom to guide me,
God’s eye to look before me,
God’s ear to hear me,
God’s word to speak for me,
God’s hand to guard me,
God’s shield to protect me,
God’s host to save me
From snares of devils,
From temptation of vices,
From everyone who shall wish me ill,
afar and near.
I summon today
All these powers between me and those evils,
Against every cruel and merciless power
that may oppose my body and soul,
Against incantations of false prophets,
Against black laws of pagandom,
Against false laws of heretics,
Against craft of idolatry,
Against spells of witches and smiths and wizards,
Against every knowledge that corrupts man’s body and soul;
Christ to shield me today
Against poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against wounding,
So that there may come to me an abundance of reward.
Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.
Please advise, ye fellow bad Catholics.
Apparently so, although soon no doubt there will be the usual retractions and damage control.
The bishop of the most heavily Catholic town in the U.S. reads Korrektiv?
Blasphemy is an artistic effect, because blasphemy depends upon a philosophical conviction. Blasphemy depends upon belief and is fading with it. If any one doubts this, let him sit down seriously and try to think blasphemous thoughts about Thor. – G. K. Chesterton, “Heretics”
Now that’s the Garden State I remember…
Because a long time ago, God loved the Republicans; now, if the 2012 election was any indicator, God loves the Democrats and so, naturally, Republicans must also love Democrats… So, I repeat, this is the diminutive mid-Atlantic state once inhabited by the Lenni Lenape which I knew so well in my youth.
Even nature groans to give birth to such an oversized pacakage as Mr. Chris Christie offers to midwife – as NJ now has a place to throw all the good money following this tom-foolery.
Which brings us to the slow browning out of America – and to that end a quick Browning out of Mr. Christopher Christie:
Christie Crashes
The pigs’re on the wing,
And Christie’s on the horn;
The presser’s at seven;
The surrender-flag unfurled;
The buzz has a sting;
The cynic yawns with scorn;
God’s lost in heaven—
All’s left in the world!
…from across the pond.
And a bonus poem – in the spirit of Potter’s blotter:
The Anti-Valentine
Outside your zone
Away from my orbit
Out of your shadow
A moment alone –
No, rather – apart.
It’s what we know:
Alone.
Apart. A–
Lone. A–
Part.
A lone.
A part.
Our life has been
A mutual eclipse
Of heart from heart,
And the difference it
Makes between
These two distinct and lonely partings of lips.
“It was a thrill to watch that boy grow inside her, but I must admit during that second trimester as we watched him move around on 3-D sonograms I saw how human they were and my life long belief in abortion rights was – let’s say – jostled. It was life colliding with belief system. I had to rethink my position, but in the end I remain committed to being pro-choice because I cannot imagine arguing against a woman’s right to control her body – and thus – her life.”
I think I prefer the glass of whisky, fire on the hearth, roses and sexy talk when I’m seduced into buying a bill of goods… But, oh well.
Lance Armstrong is a big fucking asshole. That seems to be the emerging consensus in the wake of his confession. One of the experts on the subject is Mike Anderson, a former mechanic and personal assistant to Armstrong. In Anderson’s recent interview with Sports Illustrated, what may be of interest to readers of Korrektiv is that Anderson mentions Kierkegaard.
SI: Is there anything Lance can say to Oprah that would be meaningful to you or that you make you contemplate forgiveness?
Anderson: I’ve thought about that a lot in the last few days. I was reading [philosopher] Soren Kierkegaard. Part of what he talks about is forgiveness and guilt and anxiety and the roots of it all. … I still have these notions of forgiveness and turn the other cheek. But I wonder, what are the reasons? Who benefits from forgiveness. Me? To unload bitterness I have against Lance and Bill Stapleton and people who lied and ridiculed me? Or is it for Lance? The sinner, conceptually, if you will. Or for both of us? I just don’t know if it will do me any good whatsoever to say lets let bygones be bygones. The cynicism I have about the whole thing, there’s no contrition in Lance Armstrong’s heart. It’s a calculated effort. For what purpose, I don’t know. I don’t see it as at all meaningful.
I’m curious about that ellipsis (…) following “forgiveness and guilt and anxiety and the roots of it all.” Did Anderson say more about his reading of our man K that the SI editors deemed too philosophical for their brain-damaged readership? Here’s our chance for some real investigative reportage, K-team. Get on it!
See also: “[Catholic mom] Betsy Andreu always knew that Lance Armstrong doped”
A nod to Kierkegaard and Walker Percy: existentialist tomfoolery, political satire, literary homage, word mongering, a year-round summer reading club, Dylanesque music bits, apocalyptic marianism, poetry, fiction, meta-porn, a prisoner work-release program.
This is a demo store for testing purposes — no orders shall be fulfilled.
Up from comments: Churchill breaks radio silence
“Hello. Since I can’t post, I’ll put this short thing I wrote about heliocentrism under a comment; I had added it under the one below, but would prefer to repeat it here. I’d be grateful for your comments on it, although I realise it’s not directly related to the topic above:
If the earth rotates around its axis at one thousand miles an hour (and at a much faster speed around the sun), then: (i) if the air above it does not move, why wouldn’t this influence the distance/time travelled by aeroplanes – ie if the earth moves, why isn’t this taken into account; (ii) if the air above the earth also moves at the same speed, why don’t, for example, leaves blow in an air current of 1000 miles an hour, whereas they do at a speed of, say, 1020 miles an hour; (iii) if there is a distinction between a moving air above the earth and wind in terms of their effects on moving objects, how can this be explained, rather than asserted. And is not also then unlikely that the earth travels around the sun.
I had wondered if much of cosmology was invented for political reasons: to undermine religion and in order therefore to encourage technological advancement and a change in values, although I had wondered if certain developments, such as plane travel, might even have been held up until the view of the universe had consolidated.”
Of course, Churchill gives away too much in this concern – knowing full well that it is a hot topic among Catholic triddywackers.