Paging ZORRO


Nick Offerman to bring Ignatius Reilly to the stage.


  1. The theatrical stage is the sanctuary of Satan. Those deluded devotees who flock to the profane temples of the Drama to witness the offenses against Truth and Virtue enacted therein make themselves sons of the Father of Lies. Also, the passions aroused by such lascivious spectacles tend to unbalance the humors of the spectator. This may interfere with one’s valve. It is clear, therefore, that the so-called “live” theatre leads to the instant death of the soul, and the lingering death of the body. The lack of flagellant processions up and down Broadway is but one more proof of the degeneracy of our age — the same age, of course, that elevated a stage actor to the once-august office of Roman Pontiff. The ancient Roman law branded the actor as infamis; the modern Roman mob sees one and acclaims, “Santo subito!

    One may, perhaps, safely peruse some of the more tasteful and decent Medieval mystery plays in the quiet of one’s bedroom. (The Second Shepherds’ Play does not count. That heretical travesty is to be shunned, and, where possible, burned.) The motion pictures, of course, wholly escaped the condemnations that Chrysostom, Tertullian, and even that squishy mama’s-boy Augustine leveled so justly and soberly against the so-called “live” theatre. I myself repair often to the movie-house. When the cinema does not refresh my whole being, it refreshes my outrage. Either way, it equips me to continue bearing the peculiar cross that Fortune has dropped upon my rugged shoulders.

    However, the day is fast approaching when I shall no longer be allowed the peace to enjoy a matinee and a Dr. Nut. The long decadence begun by Euripides, arrested by the Church Fathers, resumed by Corneille, and accelerated by Ibsen will soon catch up with me. No doubt my enemies are already planning to abuse me rather spectacularly in some public forum for the entertainment of the rabble. Perhaps I shall be martyred live on Pay per View, rouged and bewigged as Europa, fatally gored by a particularly large Jovian bull in some unspeakable manner.


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