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A Special Report

Date: 2/30/12
From: J.D. Powers and Associates
To: Korrektiv/Gerasene Field Operations
Re: Food Product Storage-Yield for Market Resampling: Extract
CC: National Automobile Dealers Association (McLean, Va.)
For Abstract: Access University of Michigan Microfilm Case Batch #44c-11-42.7

[extract begin:] J.D. Powers and Associates estimates that density and frequency of peanut-shard and related edible detritus present in a given American automobile is determined by the number of cylinders of the vehicle in which the peanuts have been placed according to the “hot/cold cushion-storage format” (a technical term indicating the manner and position of the food substance in and around the driver’s and passenger’s seats respectively). According to J.D. Powers, at least 8.2 units (per 8 oz. package) of peanut-shards are present at any given time in this format per every two cylinders to a car’s engine.

On the other hand, the global marketing firm also notes that the presence of other food substances in this format* tend to skew downward in both frequency and density depending on whether the vehicle in question is equipped with manual or automatic transmission. For instance, whereas a sing hand and unencumbered inscisors are the only industry-rated requirements for the interfacing necessary to initiate consumption of peanuts delivered through the tube-sleeved payload packaging unit,  two hands are the minimal industry-rated requirement for releasing the fried tuberous product known as the “French Fry” from its payload platform, thereby accessing and applying its gamut of nutritional benefits. But this product, J.D. Powers notes, has an average baseline which demonstrates only a mild, though noticeable, differential between the consumer habits of those who drive vehicles equipped with automatic transmission and those who drive vehicles equipped with manual transmission. The differential is, of course, wider when others, especially adolescents, are present in the vehicle.. Not surprisingly the rate at which this differential widens corresponds exponentially to the number of so-called “children” in the vehicle in question. 

On the other hand, the report continues, the remnant particles of artificial confectionary known as the “Suzie-Q” were found to trend highest in consumption rates among drivers of vehicles with automatic transmissions and lowest among those who drive manual transmissions. Most secondary studies suggest that the prerequisite dexterity necessary to interface with the product’s packaging AND the generally entropic design of the product itself serve as inherent disincentives to apply the nutritional benefits [sic] of the product at any level, thus removing the possibility of remnant particles playing a larger part in yielding significant behavioral analysis.

At the other end of the spectrum, in an almost mirror image of the Suzie-Q’s trending patterns, remnant particles of the porcine by-product known as “La Tonita Chiley-Limon Chicharrones de Harina” were as greatly favored by the drivers of vehicles equipped with manual transmissions as they were disliked by those who drove vehicles with automatic transmission, with dramatic aberrations found only among those vehicles of either design with tires requiring an inflation of 75 PSI or higher. [end]

*Other formats for food particle/remnant storage, not considered in this research, include the wet/dry vessel containment (i.e. cup-holder) storage format, the vital-document insulated manual/digital garment-storage compartment-storage format**, and the more recently innovated solar-heated sun-visor wedge-storage format-cum-heat convection process.

**J.F. Powers and Associates is preparing a separate but related study on the thermal resistance (R-Value) of various fiber-based material in protecting consumable food products stored in the glove-compartment. The study will include but not be limited to analyses of the following: insurance ID cards, registration documentation, prophylactic packaging material, plastic-coated playing cards, feminine products, and/or official state documents recording the historical incidence of legal infractions and violations in circumstances involving both excessive acceleration and prolonged stationery tendencies.

Comments

  1. Matthew Lickona says:

    “Prolonged stationary tendencies” is the title of my next memoir. So glad this piece addressed the French Fry Factor.

  2. Jonathan Webb says:

    Did you write under the pen name David Foster Wallace?

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