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Today in Self-Pity

File under:  Up From the Comments:  Paul S. has let us know about a very funny joke… “With the success of Kick-Ass, Nemesis, and the upcoming Hit-Girl, Mark Millar begins work on the next generation of offensive characters…”

Right down to the hoodie and the knife.

Ha ha!

Comments

  1. Angelico Nguyen, Esq., OP says

    This is one doodle that can’t be undid.

  2. Jonathan Webb says

    Alponse is better drawn.

  3. Agreed.

  4. Cubeland Mystic says

    A Combox Novel

    Mr November and A Great Deal of Self Pity (first draft)
    By Cubeland Mystic

    November took stock. He looked out his office window and there was no one in the yard to interrupt him. He locked the door. He threw down a copy of Alphonse onto the desk in front of him. He emptied his pockets on top of the comic book. Then he pulled out the junk drawer and dumped the contents on the desk. “My whole life is poured out before me.” He thought to himself. Despair filled his eyes as he scanned the contents. A Comic-Con 2008 squeeze ball. A paper clip bent into the shape of a man. A wad of thirteen wrinkled dollar bills. An old Squirrel Nut Zipper ticket stub that he kept for some reason long forgotten. His lucky Kennedy “fitty cent” piece he always fondled in his pocket instead of his testicles. “The Irish helping the Irish” He thought. An eight ball of cocaine, still untouched, he purchased in case he became a screen writer. The business plan for his failed “Memento Mori” brand tee shirt and accessory line for edgy Catholics. It was all there in a heap. Before him the totality of his failure formed its own gravitational field, and he was sucked into orbit around it.

    He picked up “The Critic”, the loaded 45 he carried with him at all times these days, and used it to scratch behind his ears. He stood there scratching himself with his pistol, mouth agape, and staring into his ruin. When suddenly he was swept away into a vision of himself standing before great iron scales, and his works were weighed by the angels and found wanting. Then a terrible voice cried, “You wicked, lazy servant! You know I gather where I have not sown. Now throw this worthless servant out into utter darkness!” His doom pronounced he was flung away into darkness falling until he landed with jolt back in his office staring down at the pile. He took the copy of Alphonse pinned it to the wall next to his other failures, and drew down on it with “The Critic”, and out poured a 240 grain review.

    Blue smoke and the smell of gun powder filled the room. The hot brass casing bounced around on the floor and landed on top of his bare foot burning him. He yelled and kicked it off, and simultaneously he felt a sharp pain in his gut and the air leave his chest as he flew onto the desk. He tried to cry out but there was no air in his lungs. Tears rolled down his red cheeks as a gasp of air finally forced its way back into his lungs. He held out his hands in terror, mouth open unable to scream. “Calm down November. . .” the voice said, “if I were here on official business you’d be dead already.” November lay on his desk gasping for a few moments clutching “The Critic” to his chest trying to catch his breath while not vomiting all over himself. “It’s you . . .” he choked out some words between gasps of air, “my old friend Death. Did you come to mock me? Point out all the wreckage and failure? Remind me that the clock is ticking? What’s your mission this time?”

    Death smiled at him, leaned his sickle against the wall, and then reached out his hand to help him up off the desk. November hesitated to take it. “Seriously you’d be dead already, come on let me help you.” November took death’s hand, and he pulled him up to his feet. “Sorry about that November, I didn’t want to kick your ass, but you had it coming.” He said hiking up his robes as he sat down in the chair. “Now what’s all this self pity about, shooting holes in your work and what not?” He said rummaging around through the junk on the desk. “Things suck for me. That’s all. My work sucks, I suck, and you really suck always showing up unexpected all the time!” He said waving The Critic around wildly. “‘The Aborted’? Seriously ‘THE ABORTED’, That’s my idea, and the dude’s probably pro-choice too! When is my work going to see the light? I am on the winning team, no!? I am living the dream here, and these other dudes are getting the glory! I want what’s coming to me! That’s what this is all about!” The look of wild despair suddenly gave way to catatonic resignation. He let out a deep sigh, and turned away to stare out the window.

    Death didn’t say a word he just rummaged through the pile in front of him. His hand found the eight ball and he opened it up, and chalked up a fat line on a glass picture frame. He took one of the dollar bills, rolled it up into a tube, and snorted up the line in a quick pass. “Whew! That’s some good blow. Did you score it up in L.A.?” November didn’t answer he just looked out the window. “Okay look, give me The Critic.” He held out his hand, but November hesitated. “Come on give it to me.” After a moment November relented and handed him the 45. “There you go.” Death said taking the gun and placing it on the file cabinet. “Now sit down here on the desk and listen to me.”

    “First thing, what are you getting up in my grill about being unexpected. How old are you? I ought to kick your ass again for saying that. I am the one thing you should expect in this life. I am like the mailman, I always deliver. Second thing you have to do is stop listening to “The Critic” and you shouldn’t be carrying him around all the time. He’s not always the last word on everything. Look I liked Alphonse I thought it was brilliant, and I especially like that it wasn’t cynical. This Aborted thing is cynical. Trust me it is. There’s too much cynicism in the world. I am an optimist, and that’s why I like your work. It’s optimistic.” Death leaned back in the chair and put his feet on the desk.

    “You have talent. You’re just taking the road less traveled. Say you made it big, what are you going to do with all that money and fame? That’s a cruel master. All that money and temptation. Talk about a monkey on your back. Dudes lose their souls all the time for money and fame. You’ll wind up fornicating and swilling wine, and that’s not you. You gotta stay pure and stick to your guns, and write the love. If you write the love, the Good Lord will take care of you. You’re not the wicked servant, it’s the other dude who buried his talent, not you.” Death smiled, chalked up another fat line, and sniffed it up. Then he stood and grabbed his sickle. “Now I gotta go to work. You work hard and stop being lazy, and if you need another ass kicking I’ll be right back again to give it to you.”

    November looked up and smiled back at death, “That’s what I love about you, you’re always there for me. You’re always there to remind me to keep working hard and to never give up. It’s like having your own personal life coach. You always see the glass half full.”

    “I am always be right behind you.” He said and they gave each other a fist bump. Then Death took a step back and vanished. November looked at the spot where death had stood, and then he sat down in his chair, and put his feet up. He reached up onto his desk and grabbed his lucky fitty cent piece, smiled and begin tossing it up in the air over and over. There was no more self pity in his heart. He was thinking about death and his next great idea.

  5. Angelico Nguyen, Esq., OP says

    Mark Millar, incidentally, is a bad-Catholicish writer — albeit not, it seems, quite the same kind of bad as any of y’all. From a 2004 interview with Comics Bulletin (half-remembered, then dug up at http://web.archive.org/web/20090114220905/http://www.comicsbulletin.com/features/107419514831683.htm):

    TIM: With the series ‘Chosen’, do you hope a guy like Jerry Falwell or Donald Wildmon will hear about this series and start condemning it, so you and Dark Horse won’t have to worry about promoting the work as much? Are you hoping to poke holes in the sanctity of religion with this work, or what are your creative goals on a basic level?

    MILLAR: No, not at all. Quite the opposite actually. Christian-bashing is the dullest, most predictable sport known to man. The only people interested in doing it are people who were raised as Christians and want to piss off their step-dads now that they’re in their teens. Christianity has become so targeted over the last forty years that I actually think it’s more interesting to defend it and possibly explore what’s made it such a potent force in the world for the last twenty centuries. This liberal white guilt complex that’s set in motion against Christianity just falls completely flat when faced with the really simple, basic fundamentals of what Christianity is all about. Yeah, I’m a practicing Catholic (as are [comic-book artists Bryan] Hitch and [Frank] Quitely, oddly enough), but that doesn’t mean I’m a curly-haired automaton operated by the Vatican and agreeing with everything in the catechism. There are almost a billion Christians in the world and that’s almost a billion different set of opinions. The things nobody could disagree with are the basic teachings in the Gospels and I wanted to do a series of books where I extended the storyline and wrapped everything up in a logical conclusion that was as relevant to the modern world as the New Testament was two thousand years ago. As I say in the book itself, the Old Testament is ‘Star Wars’, the New Testament is ‘Empire’ and ‘Chosen’ is ‘Return of the Jedi’. We even had the world’s first trailer for the third testament in the form of the Book of Revelations. Am I a modern-day prophet or someone just trying to make a fast buck from a franchise with a solid, built-in audience? U-decide.

    TIM: If Chosen is a success, do you think DC will reconsider its no ‘Jesus Christ policy?’ How did you even find out this was their policy? Did you pitch Chosen to them initially?

    MILLAR: The No-Christ Rule was brought in after the Rick Veitch/Swamp Thing episode. They’re a big corporation with some very well-meaning people in it and the policy is that they don’t want to offend Christians – which is actually quite nice considering we’re the one fucking demographic in the world people normally feel they can take a shot at. Try slagging off the Muslims or the Hindus or any other world religion and see how fast you go to jail, gentle reader. I’m the most liberal guy in the world, but that double-standard genuinely does piss me off.

    TIM: Do you think anyone has ever been successful in creating a comic that explores Christianity? Do you think there might be some push-back from people who automatically get on the offensive (not anti-religion, per se) when religion is broached – fearing some preachy pile of crap?

    MILLAR: The trick is not to make it a preachy pile of crap. Listen, ALL religions start off as good ideas or nobody would sign up. I just want to take a look at what works and reintroduce it in a nice, little modern story. This isn’t those crazy fundamentalist comics. This is just the kind of stuff you’d want to read. […]

  6. Cubeland Mystic says

    Mrs L.: Why are you shaving off your hair this time?

    November: Mark Millar called me a “curly-haired automaton operated by the Vatican and agreeing with everything in the catechism”

    Mrs. L.: Everything you do is an act of conscience and free will, so why cut your hair?

    November: Because no one calls me a “curly-haired automaton”>

  7. Jonathan Potter says

    This is a test comment, to be ignored.

  8. Jonathan Potter says

    This is another test comment, also to be ignored.

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