Today in Porn, The Rest is Silence Edition

I can’t imagine anything ever topping this. [Language alert.] [Edited for length.] [Via Goldenfiddlr.]

“Certain things in life just go together: chocolate and peanut butter, death and taxes, TMZ and Britney. But no two names are more closely linked than the most addictive couple on The Hills: Heidi Montag and her husband, Spencer Pratt, the show’s entertaining archvillain. We asked Spencer if he’d like to interview his wife on the subject of her appearance in Playboy. We didn’t have to ask twice.

SPENCER: Heidi, look at you. You’re in Playboy. Let’s make this the most famous interview ever.

HEIDI: You know it, baby. [multiple fist bumps]

SPENCER: : Okay. If people knew the real Heidi, how would she be different from the girl on The Hills or I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! or whatever?

HEIDI: I wouldn’t be different. That’s the thing. I have cameras on me 24/7, and I love it. I want it. I can’t help being who I am. I laugh so hard when I read “Oh, they’re the fakest couple on the planet.” We’ve had our ups and downs, Spencer, but we’ve done it all with the cameras on, and now we’re doing it with the cameras off. Nothing is different. We’re both outgoing; we say what we want to say and just happen to be more in the public eye than most couples. We’ve been together more than three years and have spent practically every minute together. If we were fake, that would have been exposed by now, don’t you think?

SPENCER: And what about all those bozos talking sh*t about you—the Chelsea Handlers of the world. Is that ever hard for you?

HEIDI: I just roll my eyes and move on. First of all, it’s so much fun that people know who I am and actually care enough to talk. I’m turning 23, from a tiny town in Colorado. This is exciting for me. We love the Soup guy [Joel McHale, host of the weekly comedy show on E!]. God bless him, he’s making us famous. As for other women, if they aren’t hating on you, then you’re not doing anything right.If women aren’t jealous of you, talking about you and cutting you down, then you’re the nerd, and I would never want to be that.

SPENCER: Look at how many people follow you on Twitter, baby. It’s close to half a million and growing every second.

HEIDI: Twitter rocks. The millions of people waiting for season six of The Hills love us. And it’s not about Lauren Conrad, because she’s not even on the show this season. Which is fine with me.

SPENCER: You’re a rock star, Heidi. Don’t forget that. We made our music video [for the song “BlackOut”] on the beach for about a dollar this year, and it went to number six on iTunes in the U.S. and number one in Canada. [fist bumps] That’s money in your pocket! Dollar for dollar, I bet you made more than Lady GaGa this year even though she has a number one record. “Oh, Heidi Montag has no talent!”—my f*cking ass! If you have no talent, then I don’t know what talent is. You must be the most talented untalented person on earth. [leans in for a kiss] Take a bite! [They kiss. Spencer pauses to check several cell phones and PDAs. They kiss again as he texts.]
[snip]

HEIDI: There are a few moments I’d like to see blasted into space forever. Like when you apologized to Lauren Conrad for the sex-tape rumors so she would come to the wedding, when we know for a fact she did have a sex tape. [Editor’s note: Conrad and other cast members have denied any sex tape exists.]
[snip]

SPENCER: Honestly, I think the reality was it wasn’t even sex. It was just fooling around. Maybe we should do a sex tape.

HEIDI: No way. I’ve never watched porn in my life. I’m not going to start making it.

SPENCER: You’re right. Plus who needs a sex tape when we have a live feed to our 70-inch HD screen in the bedroom and all those mirrors. It would be like Tiger Woods watching his swing. Life with you is like 24/7 porn but without the obnoxious charges. [They kiss.]
[snip]

HEIDI: Some things are private. Our sex life is private.

SPENCER: I totally 100 percent disagree. Privacy doesn’t exist, which is why I love my life. I love that we live every waking moment for everyone to see. Heidi: You know, I was never very sexual before I met you, Spencer. I knew what sex was, but when I met you I entered into a whole new realm of understanding, from fantasy to love.Or to experience a day with 20 or 30 orgasms. Before you, sex was just something that happened. Now it’s something I look forward to every minute of the day.

SPENCER: I never imagined in my whole life I would meet a female as sexual as you are. [fist bump] Most girls are usually just about themselves.

HEIDI: Like I said, it makes me happy to see you happy. Like when we do it in the car.

SPENCER: Or on the plane on New Year’s Eve. How about that, when I initiated you into the Mile High Club? Holy sh*t!

HEIDI: That was maybe the best experience I’ve ever had in my entire life. First flying to New York on a private jet and then getting to fulfill the fantasy of all fantasies. The hardest part was, like, keeping quiet so the pilots wouldn’t come back. Honestly, I feel as if I’m just beginning to know my body with you. You’re waking me up to what’s possible, and it makes me want to try every new thing, doing it all kinds of ways— indoors, outdoors, upside down. I feel sorry for couples who aren’t as sexually satisfied as we are. If your sex life isn’t happy, your marriage is screwed.
[snip]

SPENCER: I agree 10,000 percent. It made me realize I’m the luckiest man in the world to have my life. And now having my wife in Playboy is the culmination of every dream I’ve ever had. By the way, what was your first experience with Playboy like?

HEIDI: It was amazing. The shoot was so relaxed and incredible and——

SPENCER: No, no. I want to know about the first time you discovered Playboy. What was that like?

HEIDI: Honestly, I didn’t know about the magazine when I was a kid. I’m from a really religious community, so it wasn’t discussed. It wasn’t till much later that I realized how large Playboy looms in every man’s mind, that when guys reach a certain age they get a Playboy magazine. But it has definitely changed my life—or maybe I should say it has shaped me. [laughs]

SPENCER: Go ahead, tell them.

HEIDI: Well, when I was shopping for my boobs, I wanted the best, so I sat down and flipped through a bunch of Playboys. The women are so hot— Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra, Marilyn Monroe, all the Playmates. So iconic. When the magazine asked me to pose I understood what an honor it was. Once you’re on the cover of Playboy you’re officially a sex symbol, which is something you can’t get the same way by doing anything else.

SPENCER: I am so beyond excited knowing my wife is doing this. To me Playboy is absolutely legendary. My mom actually bought my first Playboy for me when I was 13. To my surprise, she had ripped out every photo as kind of a “ha-ha,” but all I needed was the cover to send me on the Playboy- smuggling route from the age of 13 to 18. Somehow I obtained every single issue until it was legal for me to buy them. And not only from those years but also from the 1950s and 1960s.

HEIDI: I remember the first time I came into your house in the Hollywood Hills and saw your walls covered with Centerfolds.

SPENCER: You weren’t too happy about it. Being a good Jesus lover you made me take them all down. But now I have my own real live Playboy dream girl so I don’t need that wallpaper anymore. I have poster-size images from this shoot, which I put up in my bathroom. Now when I’m peeing I get to see a 10-foot naked photo of my wife, and I’m like, “Damn, I’m one lucky motherf*cker”.

HEIDI: Tell them about the day of the photo shoot.

SPENCER: Oh, it was f*cking torture! I got the biggest case of blue balls in history. I wanted to shut down production after every outfit change so I could enjoy you all to myself. I suggest they bring something like that to Guantánamo Bay, actually. Who needs waterboarding when you can have Heidi Montag posing in these outfits in front of you, in front of the ocean, and not be able to make a move on her? I’m not kidding. It was torture. [They kiss, and Spencer checks his iPhone.] Do you see any conflict with being a Christian and taking your clothes off for Playboy?

HEIDI: This is the most I’ve ever shown, but I made the decision not to show everything.

SPENCER: Believe me, to Christian America you’re naked in these pictures.

HEIDI: That’s probably why I haven’t told my dad yet. They’re a little behind the times where he lives in Colorado, but he’ll find out eventually. I honestly believe God didn’t invent our bodies for us to be ashamed of them. The body is a beautiful creation. If anything, the reason I didn’t show everything is because I plan to get a few more upgrades.

SPENCER: Don’t do it for me, Heidi. I think you have the best custom-made breasts in the world right now. I don’t need you to make any changes. I’m already driving a Bugatti every day.

HEIDI: Well, I’m sure as I get older I’ll need some touch-ups. I’m definitely not done with my surgical quest. I think I want to go bigger on my boobs for you.

SPENCER: Awesome. How big?

HEIDI: Triple X.

SPENCER: Cool! So maybe I can interview you again for Playboy once that’s done, when you do the full reveal.

HEIDI: Great idea. Let’s do this again when I get the upgrades.”

*****

It is, of course, impossible to pick just one favorite line. But there is something especially delicious about saying that it’s okay to pose naked because the body is God’s masterpiece, and then saying that you didn’t show everything you could have because, well, God’s masterpiece needs a little more work. Art perfects nature, indeed.