What is the Sound of My Childhood Being Raped and Pillaged?

How ’bout this: “Disney Prepares to Use its Marketing Magic to Bring Back the Muppets.”

Whaddya bet they come up with something a little like Frankenstein’s monster – made up of parts that used to be alive, that bears characteristics of the living, but is, horrifyingly, completely bereft of soul?

Oh, maybe I’m just a grumpy pessimist. A Statler. A Waldorf. Or maybe not:

“The wisecracking, irreverent Muppets (a combination of puppets and marionettes) also don’t fit that neatly in the Disney culture, as they differ from most of the company’s bedrock characters in two big ways: Kermit and coterie were primarily created to entertain adults, and they live in the real world. Henson was so insistent that they stand apart from his “Sesame Street” creations in personality and tone that he (misleadingly) titled the 1975 pilot that would boost their careers “The Muppet Show: Sex and Violence.” Undeterred, Disney expects the Muppets to expand their fan base beyond nostalgic older generations to the age group between 6 and 12 that has powered ‘Hannah Montana’ and ‘High School Musical’ into international blockbusters.”

We shall, as they say, see.


  1. Matthew,

    I doubt greatly that Muppets sans Henson will be any more impressive than Disney sans Walt. And to make matters worse, to give the muppets over to the Cultural Goo-Machine which is now the Disney Empire will be exactly as you fear.

    I don’t think that’s pessimism; that’s just common sense.


  2. I so love the Muppets…

  3. notrelatedtoted says

    Hey, I thought this blog was on hiatus?

    Cue up the standard refrain: “Hollywood is officially out of ideas.”

  4. NRT,

    Hiatus, Schmiatus…

    We’ve got a culture to conquer!

    Dannon, call your office!


  5. Cubeland Mystic says

    Disney Strikes Back
    (Immolation Productions)

    In a bold stroke, the Disney Crime Family (DCF) consolidated every type of media company in existence under its control. The DCF formed a deadly new media conglomerate called the Wishupona Star to utterly saturate all forms of communication in the universe with their ubiquitous brand. But a last band of independents remain free, and are making a desperate attempt to resist the DCF’s ubiquitous brand. From their secret rebel base, Literaria, the two heros Dark Night and Mr. November set out on a secret mission to destroy the Wishupona Star and rid the galaxy of the DCF brand.

    Lured into a trap on the deforested moon of Binksylvania, the Dark Night was captured by DCF minions, and frozen in carbonite awaiting true love’s kiss. Meanwhile, Mr November and Darth Loocass are battling to the death with pen sabers in the cloud city of Dislandia. . .

    Darth Loocass:
    Your skills with a pen saber have grown since we last met. But you think by destroying Darth Montana that your powers are strong enough to destroy me? You are sadly mistaken. Your proud arrogance betrays you November. Join me and I will complete your training. Together we will join our proud arrogances, defeat the Disney Crime Family, and build a media empire that will last ten thousand years!

    Mr. November:
    Your vapid screenplays suck, and your spirituality is superficial. Worst of all you fail to reveal the true mystery to your audience. I will never join you!

    Darth Loocass:
    Then thou shalt surely die!

    Giving fully in to his hate, Darth Loocass unleashes a shower of blows the likes of which the world has never seen with his pen saber. Weakened by his battle with Darth Montana, unable to withstand the relentless fury of hate driven blows, Mr. November lowers his pen saber, falls to his knees, and Darth Loocass hews off his writing arm. With one last effort November leaps over a guard rail and clings to a TV antenna sticking out of the bridge with his remaining arm.

    Darth Loocass:
    I feel the conflict within you. Give in to your hate, and let the formulaic dreck rise up and smother your creativity. I see it in your mind. Yes good lots of sex, I see the WB in your future, and then you will produce.

    Mr November: (in agony clinging to the TV antenna above the bottomless ventilation shaft)
    I will never join you!

    Darth Loocass:
    November, I am your father.

    Mr. November:

    Darth Loocass:
    Search your feelings. You know that it is true! But do not let this revelation become a scar! Yet give in to your hate!

    Mr. November:

    Mr. November releases his grip, and falls three thousand feet down a ventilation shaft where he clings to another TV antenna on the bottom of the cloud city of Dislandia. Kermit Kalrissian, Fozz Baca, and Miss Piggy rescue him in the Maltese Falcon.

  6. Love it, Cubemeister! Disney, from what I’ve been told, is about 60% gay in its power structure these days. (Notice the endless parade of weak father figures and tough-as-nails heroines in its animated features of the last 20 years.) It’s pretty clear we’re going to get more of the same with the Muppets. Kermit, despite being nice and loving, was always something of an authoritarian director on the Muppet Show. Now he’s going to be all bitchy and queenie. Fozzy and the Swedish chef are going to hook up in a food-filled Jewish/Scandinavian gay love fest. Cher, Bette, and Madonna are going to guest star with the Electric Mayhem Band. Miss Piggy is going to join the Dykes on Bikes. Ralph the dog’s going to try to make it on Broadway but end up turning tricks in Greenwich Village to make rent. Pigs in Space will be retooled to Pigs in a Bath House. And the two old dudes in the balcony… well, I’ll leave that to your imagination.

  7. cubeland Mystic says

    Thanks Ernie. The next installment Mr. November uses his knack with gadgets to build a degaying ray which degays DCF content. We’ll use it on the muppets.

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