Swiss Guard – Coming Soon to a Theater Near You

SWISS GUARD. The most sophisticated military technology in the world. The best trained mercenaries anywhere, with the best hardware. Protecting the Pope.

Story focuses on one guardsman. Once, he was a seriously bad dude, a hired gun who went to war for the highest bidder. Then he had a conversion experience, and repented as best he could, eventually finding his way into the Guard’s badass uniform. (I mean, seriously – it’s practically a superhero costume. What fun to put it in all sorts of nasty situations, where most folks would be wearing black and/or camo.) But serving in the Vatican brought him too close to holiness and its opposite, so that sometimes, he’s convinced the holy folks are just deluded, and the sinners are running the show. By this point, he’s not even sure he believes anymore. He’s even thinking that it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if someone took the Pope out, brought down the whole house of cards. But he swore an oath…and now he’s uncovered an assassination plot…


  1. notrelatedtoted says

    “The most sophisticated military technology in the world. The best trained mercenaries anywhere, with the best hardware. And fabulous outfits.”

  2. Casting is everything…

    Who’s the lead?

  3. Matthew Lickona says

    CLIVE OWEN, of course.

  4. And the femme fatale character who reveals all the big plot expo?

  5. notrelatedtoted says

    See, that’s the problem with action movies today. There are no action heroes.

    Clive Owen?
    Matt Damon/Ben Affleck?
    Vin Diesel, maybe, but….no thanks.

    \\I say we make it a buddy movie. Tom Cruise and Will Smith can play the leads.

  6. notrelatedtoted says

    By the way, I’m poking fun not because it’s a bad idea, but because you know Hollywood simply couldn’t resist the temptation to murder it – think the DaVinci Code meets Jason Bourne….

  7. Anonymous says

    jason statham….clive owen isn’t bad-ass enough.

  8. Matthew Lickona says

    Fair enough.

  9. Rufus McCain says

    James Caviezel

  10. Santiago says

    Clive Owen would be perfect… you dont want him to be too badass. He needs to have a soft side, like Clive Owen.

  11. All,

    If it was Hollywood, they’d make Shia LaPoof the Guard and Harrison Dork the Pope.

    Remember that somehow you have to work into the plot a couple facts:

    a) He has to be a natural born citizen of Switzerland.

    b) He has to have served a certain number of years in the Swiss military.

    c) I think he also has to be a certain height.

    d) And he has to make use of the German submachine gun which the guard owns in their armory, taken off a Nazi soldier who crossed the white line Hitler painted around the Vatican during the War. The soldier would eventually convert, and either waited out the war in the Vatican or was eventually smuggled out.

    One of the advantages of having a friend who is friends with the guard…

    Another story: During the War, when VC was surrounded, Pius XII told the commander of the Swiss guard that when and if the Germans come for him (a now well-documented possibility) he and the rest of the guard were to lay down their weapons to prevent bloodshed. Without giving his assent, the commander persuaded Pacelli that he had acknowledged his request. The commander then told his guards what the Holy Father’s wishes were.

    “Of course everyone should comply with the Holy Father’s wishes to the best of their ability and as their conscience dictates…”

    With a grim smile on his face, he picked up and examined one of the cache of 20th century weapons stored at the armory with the halberds….

    Suffice it to say, no one was going to be kidnapping no pope…Not on their watch… And certainly not without a fight.

    True story.

    So I’ve been told.

    By a swiss guard.


  12. JOB,

    You had me at German Submachine gun.

  13. Anonymous says

    I know a young recent college grad working on a novel that features the Swiss Guard. She’s unmarried with scads of time on her hands, so get going, bud.

  14. Matthew Lickona says

    I won’t even pretend that I can compete. God bless her, and good luck to her. That said, I think this needs to be a story told in a visual medium.

  15. Peter H. says

    I think you should have it set during WWII. You’ve got Nazis, which are great bad guys for three reasons:
    -they’re iconic (or cliched, either way)
    -they wear dark clothes (contrasts nicely with the SG uniform)
    -all the weaponry and vehicles are sweet looking
    It will also be nice to play off the Pius XII / Hitler deal and portray him in a positive light. Also, you can get some gorgeous shots of Papal Latin Masses.

    Just put me in the credits as “unsolicited consultant.”

  16. angelmeg says

    Please not Vin Diesel, although he wasn’t bad as The Pacifier.

  17. Anonymous says


    As a strict action/thriller, it seems like it might fall into the standard hollywood derivative strain – along the lines of the dv code, etc… I think this would be really interesting if you took a terry gilliam approach to the subject matter. Especially as the story could take place at the intersection of the divine versus things human in nature, and the real versus the imaginary. I think you also need a sort of passive, anti-hero on which the competing interests (imaginary or real) can tell their story. Vincent Gallo would be perfect.

  18. Matthew Lickona says

    As opposed to Ralph Fiennes? Think Oscar and Lucinda. But I must confess: I have no idea how Terry Gilliam gets funding for his films. If the Godsbody readership can scrounge together about $50 million in seed money, I’ll make your version.

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