Attached Earlobes and Criminal Tendencies

A new double-blind study released today by Korrektiv’s Made Up Research Group (MURG) reveals a significant correlation between attached earlobes and behavioral pathologies. It is a commonplace of human anatomy and genetics that attached earlobes are a recessive genetic trait and that free earlobes are a dominant trait. The recently completed MURG study shows that those with recessive attached earlobes are twice as likely than their free-lobed counterparts to commit acts of anti-social, sociopathic, or criminal behavior. Based on its findings, MURG has proposed that the attached lobe (AL) population be registered in a national database and monitored by the Department of Homeland Security.

Comments

  1. I just saw a close up of Dubya, and low and behold he has’um! What brave soul will blow the whistle on this one!! Our very survival as a nation is at risk– maybe your Doc Webb can do his patriotic thing and report this to the highest authority possible– maybe like Tom DeLay– he should know a way ’round this. Let me know.

  2. Anonymous says:

    It was only a matter of time. Some Starbuck coffee sipping liberal has invaded this blog. This is just another example of how vicious and mud slinging these types can get. They need to listen to Rush– just like God, he’s always right. And by the way, those liberals need to stop spreading lies about Rush’s drug use. Would they talk about God that way? Well, probably so. MURG needs to study the ears of liberals– I’ll bet they won’t find many earlobes!

  3. Barbara A. Sizemore says:

    The indirect effects of the issues raised by MURG’s findings may have even more pernicious consequences for children and youths. The authors’ data and conclusions, particularly those pertaining to the efficacy of educational remediation, could have important policy implications. Some legislators may use the report as a rationale for cutting back on programs for the Attached Lobe population. Other legislators may use the data to support their restrictive immigration legislation. Most of the indirect policy implications of the issues raised by Mr. Huxley and Mr. Lewis are, therefore, likely to have a negative impact upon Attached Lobe children and youths.

  4. William P. Dillingham says:

    The report’s basic thesis–surrounded by many hedgings, and with a plethora of charts and other trappings of scholarship–runs like this. Behavioral tendencies are to a significant extent inherited and measurable. Some earlobe types consistently score lower than others on criminal tendency tests, even when all variables are accounted for. Therefore, efforts to improve the moral behavior and, as a result, the opportunities of Attached Lobes as a whole are possibly doomed to failure by the unfortunate but unmistakable limits of their common gene pool.

    The most charitable thing I can say to start is that I’ll pay attention to any such stuff only when there is universal scholarly agreement on the precise meaning of the words “ear lobes” and “morality.”

  5. Naomi Eisenberger says:

    This comes at a time when, as hundreds of vexed Washington politicians can attest as they campaign around the country, Americans are deeply disillusioned with government, and when a fed-up nation is groping for new answers. Along comes MURG, pandering to popular prejudice and feeding the fires of polarization in America.

  6. An Ian McEwan protagonist noticed the attached earlobes of a crook and the protagonist concluded that the crook would be impulive and quick to anger. I’ve also heard that the attached lobes correlate with some frontal lobe definciency. I can’t find info on this. I have attached earlobes and am immpulsive. I am very intelligent and good at math. What’s up with this?

  7. Rufus McCain says:

    Which book was that, Pythag? I’d like to check it out.

  8. Quin Finnegan says:

    I’ll chime in here. Saturday, thusly named because it takes place on one day. It’s a great story, in the course of which brain surgery is described so exactly that I think I’d trust McEwan himself to perform one. Not on me, necessarily – but maybe on some psycho with attached earlobes.

    I don’t remember earlobes being the only clue, however. I think there were some other things, including behavioral problems that tipped him off.

  9. Rufus McCain says:

    Quin, you need to slow down your reading and let the publishing world catch up. Are you trying to out-garfunkel Art?

  10. Personally, I think it’s a load of you know what. I have attached earlobes, and I’m friendly and easygoing. More so than anyone else in my family, who all have hanging lobes.

    HA! I WIN!

    End of discussion… ;-)

  11. Rufus McCain says:

    Well, Daniel, you’re an Aquarius, you see. That offsets the bad genes.

  12. Anonymous says:

    i think u r all retards

  13. Anonymous says:

    u all need to go suck my big fat juicy dick

  14. Quin Finnegan says:

    If you’ve got problems with your earlobes, Mr. A, I don’t even want to know what’s going on with your big, fat dick.

  15. That's the most idiotic and preposterous thing I've ever heard; isn't someone who researches the implications of 'attached earlobes and criminal tendencies' displaying some pretty bizarre behavior in the first place?

  16. Anonymous says:

    Hi, Billy Buttplug here…got hard poopy?

  17. Anonymous says:

    Hi, I am new to this blog. Sorry, but this particular post & the MURG are complete fiction, yes? Thanks for anyone who catches my question & gives a clear answer. :)

    • Made Up Research Group says:

      Well, they don’t call it the Made Up Research Group because it was founded by James Made and Susannah Up.

  18. JUICE

  19. hugh josh says:

    WAIT! I got attached earlobes! whoa, man! arrest me motherfuckers!!

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