Archives for October 2005

Maybe five houses with carved pumpkins. Only a few more with ersatz ceramic jobs. Maybe a dozen other trick-or-treaters. “It’s because of the day of the week,” suggested one candy-giver. Day of the week? It’s Halloween! Are kids so sugar-sated that the chance to score free candy off of strangers isn’t enough to make them finish their homework early and skip Must See Monday television? And because of the shortage of trick-or-treaters, the poor candy-givers were doling it out by the handful. We knocked off well before completing our usual circuit, and still netted nearly twice our standard haul for the four children. We filled both of the biggest bowls in the house. More goods with less spirit. Sounds sadly familiar.

Or tomorrow, and tomorrow – my editor says he’ll accept delivery on All Souls’ Day.

Here’s a sentence I just read as I tried to edit myself:

“And now, having opened that enormous can of theoretical worms, I’m gonna screw the lid right back on and stick to the storytelling.”

Yes, yes, I know you can’t really screw a lid onto a can – that would be a jar, silly. But let the copyeditor worry about that. I mention the line because it makes me wish I could fill the book with doodled illustrations – just imagine what an opened can of theoretical worms would look like….

…this is a classic return to form.

Next up: David Brooks as a G-man?

…is what it says on the button my friend sent me.

I get what he was getting at, but I couldn’t help but think of him yesterday at Mass, when Jesus said that the Scribes and Pharisees had taken the seat of Moses, and that people should do everything they said.

Homilies often focus on what comes after – on not being hypocrites who say one thing and do another. I think it’s interesting that Jesus, even as he was unmasking the Scribes and Pharisees for the hypocrites they were, still affirmed their authority to teach, their right to tell people what to do.

I thought this was interesting.

Over at the First Things blog, Father Neuhaus has noted the following:

Ernest Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in six words, which he did. (I’ll get to what he wrote.) Black Book magazine issued the same challenge to a slew of well-known contemporary authors. Norman Mailer wrote this: “Satan – Jehovah – fifteen rounds. A draw.” John Updike: “Forgive me!’ ‘What for?’ ‘Never mind.’” None of them come close to what Hemingway wrote: “For sale: baby shoes, never used.”

Joseph Bottum has added that his best effort at the one-sentence story is this:

“Something about him put her back up, and she swore that this time she wouldn’t take his advances lying down.”

Now, Nutmeg has gone and challenged me to reel in my powers of prolixity and take up Mr. Hemingway’s six-fingered gauntlet. Short story, six words. First attempt:

“Now, it’s too heavy to drop.”

I know, I know. I’ll keep thinking. How ’bout y’all?

…most priests are gay.

Or at least, that’s what Madonna says. No mention of how she conducted her research.

According to the article, she also says that people “are going to go to hell, if they don’t turn from their wicked behavior.”

Tons of editing, retweaking, reweaving, re-everything still to do. But I have typed the book’s final sentence. Now back to the day job. Five days ’til deadline.

…if you’re a brilliant writer, you get forgiven a lot of things: antisocial behavior, excessive drinking, fits of depression, offensive comments, general melancholy, moral lapses…I’ll stop now.

BUT, if you’re a middling writer, then you’re just a boor.

(So shall we add self-pity to the list?)

“I’ve figured out a job I could do if we ever moved back east.”
“Pouring Slurpees?”
“Thanks. I’m blogging that.”
“You’re the one who said you could get a job at 7-11.”
“I said AM/PM. And I said I’d make Assistant Manager in five years.”
“‘Would you like that in Cherry or Coke?’ Oh, wait – you pour your own Slurpees now. Your pouring skills are no longer required.”
“I love you, honey.”